The Eve of Mothers Day

Mothers Day is a day for celebrating those in your life who have touched your life. Being a Mother means so many different things and you do not have to physically give birth to a child to be a Mother and if your child is in Heaven that doesn't take away the fact that you are a Mother.

This first picture is of my Brother and Sister-In-Law, my Husband and I along with my parents and grandparents and my little miracle boy. Without this group of people I do not want to know where I would be right now. Probably in the hospital crying non-stop without being able to handle the last 10 years of my life.
I am so thankful for my own Mother. We have a relationship like no one I know. We have our fights and problems but we are really close and talk about everyday or more then once a day. I have been very blessed with having such an amazing in my life and am blessed to have her as the one who raised me. I am so thankful for the relationship she has with my Son and how close they are. I do not know how her and I have stayed so close with everything I have done over the years and put them thru. It has somehow made us closer together and made our relationship stronger instead of tearing our family apart like I've seen it do to others.

When I first became a Mother it was in a way that no Mother should have to experience. I almost lost my life and my Son was in the NICU fighting for his life. The time I was able to spend with him I will never forget. That 1st Mothers Day was so hard on me. Just because my Son was not here physically with me did not mean I was not a Mother. I was a Mother and to a very special little angel who touched many lives especially mine. I am blessed enough to have my close family remember me on that special day. A few years later I had my little Miracle Baby. I know he is a blessing that was given to me. He was due on June 5th (my 21st Birthday) He was born 5 weeks early and had to be rushed off to another hospital via Airevac as soon as he was stable. Just 11 days later our prayers were answered and my little guy got to come home from the hospital and it just happened to be Mothers Day that he came home. It was a bitter sweet day for me. I was so happy to be getting to bring my little one home but it still didn't and wouldn't heal losing my 1st angel. I knew he was with us every step of the way and I know he was watching over us making sure I got something special on that Mothers Day and what better gift then getting to finally leave the hospital. When we lost our 2nd angel in 2009 that next Mothers Day that was just last year was so hard. I went down to Tucson to spend it with my Mom. We went hiking which was a tradition when we were growing up. We had one of my 2nd Mommas (Momma T, pictured with her husband and my BF her son in the 2nd picture) that was able to join us and oh goodness it was such a special day of remembrance for us and we were able to honor the 3 angels we had between me and Momma T and then the children the 3 of us have here on Earth. Momma T is one of those that I refer to as one of my 2nd Moms. She has blessed my life so much and is apart of my support system thru everything. I believe that she has magical hugs that can heal anything. When you get a hug from Momma T you know she is truly happy to see you and feels the same way about you. I have known Theresa since I was born for the most part, her son and I are just a year apart in age and grew up together. Our families were in the same ward while we were growing up and still are. We grow closer together as the years pass and it is a blessing in my eyes that my parents picked to move to Tucson and picked the 2 places to live in our time in Tucson. She has an angel up in Heaven as well, Travis, who I know for a fact is up with my boys helping take care of them. Our loses are very different and I remember the day they lost Travis, I was young but I do remember my heart breaking for her as a Mother losing her child. We have bonded over something that no Mother should have in common with another but I truly do not know if I would've made it without her, my Mom and my other 2nd Mom. This is one of the first years in awhile I haven't been in Tucson to celebrate with these special Women and it's probably one year I need to be able to honor them most. I have been missing my Angels so much lately. Momma T was diagnosed with Cancer at the start of the year and it knocked my breath out when I got the news. I couldn't hold back the tears no matter how much I tried. It was another one of those reminders of how fragile life is and how things can change at the drop of a dime. I have had so many of those reminders over the years and I do not think I need anymore of them at this point. We have been blessed though with her getting better with treatment and I can not wait to get that news that treatment is done and is doing well.

My other Momma (Momma B I will call her today, and is in the 3rd picture w/me at my Wedding) is someone who came into our life when I was in Middle School. We went on a Ski trip up to Northern Arizona and we laughed the entire time, I'm not joking, we would have to stop mid run because we were laughing so hard. We bonded quicker then I could have ever imagined. At her Birthday party a couple years later she introduced me to her family as her Surrogate Daughter and it has been like that every since. She is the only person I have trusted to take care of my Angels and to prepare them for the funerals. I have been blessed to have her in my life and I know we met for a very special reason. Her Husband and her own a Mortuary in Tucson and I remember that moment when I realized my little Dallin would be going to a Funeral home and wouldn't be able to come home with me. It helped calm me so much knowing she would be the one picking him up from the hospital and taking care of him. They picked him up from the hospital and she held him in her arms from the hospital to the Funeral home. When it was time for me to pick out everything I walked into the office to meet with them with a bag full of clothes waiting for me that she had gone out and picked out that were small enough to be able to fit a 1 pound 10 ounce baby. They had everything set out and handled everything along with bringing him up for the Funeral which was 4 hours away. All of you reading who have lost a child know that that part of the planning process after losing a child can be the most stressful and heart breaking part of it all. Having such a saving grace be that support for me has helped me more then anyone will ever know. When I found out we had lost Anthon she was visiting and was going to come to the hospital to keep me company and when she called to see if I was done with my Morning labs and I told her what had happened she came straight over to be with me and when she got there I had to say the words that I never thought I would ever say which was Can you please do the same that you did for Dallin for Anthon. Her husband (who is by far one of the most amazing men Ive ever met) and her came up from Tucson when it was time for Anthon to go to the funeral home and picked him up and drove him home, again she held him the entire way. She made his outfit for his funeral and they again drove up North for the funeral with him. They did more for us then I could've asked for. No matter what the time or the day I know I could call her and she would be at my side at that instant.

I am who I am today because of these amazing Women in my life. You can not go thru the grief process without support like these amazing people. I am blessed with them along with my angel of a Sister-In-Law who I love more then I ever imagined I would love a Sister-In-Law and of course my Grandparents who are the best example to those around them. I know I have a support system that is stronger then a lot and I am blessed to have every single person in my life who has helped me get to where I am today and to get to this point in the grief process.

No one can replace my Mom and she will always be my Mother and I hope she knows how much I love and cherish her as my Mother. No one can ever come between us and if what Ive put her thru hasn't pushed her away I know she's in it for the long haul! She isn't going anywhere and it's not just because I am her daughter it is because we love each other and have formed a friendship like no one else. I am also blessed and lucky enough to have these other 2 women who have been able to be such great examples to me and be a support that they really didn't have to be. We are in each others lives because we Love each other.

I miss my Boys everyday and tomorrow will be especially hard but special for me since tomorrow I get to spend every moment with my Miracle boy who I bet I will barely let leave my side the entire day. I have felt very off the last few weeks and I realized it's because I just haven't felt whole, my arms have been aching for my Babies and I just don't feel like myself without them right now so tomorrow I am going to try to fill the empty arms with lots of hugs and cuddles with a big 60 pound 6 year old for as long as he will let me. Hopefully my plan to run this week will also help me clear my mind. Maybe some Meditation in the mornings, I've never tried it but I've heard it helps and I am bound to find out if it will work for me.

To all my Angel Mommy's I want to wish you a Happy Mothers Day. To my Angels and Miracle Boy, Thank you for picking me as your Mother and for blessing me as a Mother.